Well it’s been a long time since I just let all my feelings out so I’m going to take some time and do it now. A lot has changed i the last 5 months and I’ve talked about it a little bit but I have been holding back. I promise none of this is said to hurt anyone, it’s just me being me.
First off let me say that I have been off my meds since school started and I’m doing really well. Yes I have my moments where I have to stop and take a deep breath and remind myself it’s not worth worrying about…but otherwise I’m doing really well.
So what brought this all about? These deep thoughts?
A friend of mine posted on facebook one of those really deep questions that you only ask when you are drunk or sad “If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?” Sure I could have said that I was a millionaire, or that I lived in my big fancy dream house, or many other superficial things…but I said the truth. The deep down from my heart truth.
I would not change a thing! Six months ago would have been a different story but this very moment I would not change a thing.
Of course then my friend does the math, figures out what month that was and goes on to ask for an explantation. When I thought it about some more there was only one I had. In May the hubster and I started a journey to find a church home, it was a shorter journey then I could have imagined, because that first Sunday we found our home. No one asked why we were there, no one asked what our story was, all they cared about was that we were comfortable. We didn’t have to be something we weren’t. They don’t look at me funny when I call the sermon “mass”, or when I ask if there is a curriculum that the Pastor gets his sermons from, they understand that I am learning and getting used to all this new stuff and they let me do it at my own pace. They teach me when I ask and mostly just let me figure it out on my own. They let me help where I want to and don’t ask for too much from me and my family.
I’m sad that there isn’t a Catholic church in this town for my family. I’m very nervous about the upcoming Christmas holidays…all those traditions that are going to change. I don’t know what a Christmas looks like at a Methodist church. Do they have a midnight mass? Is there a nativity scene? What about Santa? I just don’t know, but I do know that it’s going to be ok because my family and I are at home there. The girls cheer when we drive up and sometimes Jillian asks to go to Church instead of going home. Attending Praise band practice is very hard on our family, but those two hours of calm in a fast paced stormy week is nothing short of miraculous, grades don’t matter, lesson plans don’t matter, homework doesn’t matter, it’s just us and God in the sanctuary.
So I wouldn’t change a thing because I know that right now I’m right where I need to be. I know that 5 years from today will look 100% different then 5 years from the me that was 6 months ago. The hubster and I are excited about our future and in some ways very anxious to get there. I have to keep reminding myself to take it one step at a time because God his it all planned out. I find myself closer to the church friends then my school friends (not that I don’t love my school friends a ton). I find that I’m worrying less and I’m not scared about what the future holds. I have the courage to do somethings that I never had before and to say no to some things also.
This past month the sermon series has been “Share your Faith” and I’m not very good at that. Faith is something that I keep close and personal. I’m not a Bible beater, I’m not going to run around and tell people they need to follow God because it’s the only way. I prefer to look around, take it all in and smile because I can see God’s hand in it every where. We have started praying as a family before bed again, it’s very humbling to hear the things my daughter’s pray for. Veronica prays for her friends and for people in need. Danielle thanks for everything we have, even family and friends, Jillian always says “thanks for Jesus’ house”
P.S. I know it’s a repeat picture but it’s just too perfect not to use it again.