Is this a new feeling?

So it’s time for me to get real honest with you guys. I have been having some feelings, feelings I haven’t even really talked to Hubster about. No not postpartum feelings. The sound of my baby crying doesn’t make me want to drowned her in a bathtub. It’s more like anxiety.

Since I’m at home right now Veronica is riding the bus to and from the house. Even though the bus stop is in our yard I fear that she will be picked up by a stranger and taken away from us. I fear this so bad that I find myself not able to go to sleep at night and then in the morning when everyone is up and getting ready I wake up just to make sure that the Hubster goes outside right after Veronica does. The way it works is that he watches Veronica from Danielle’s school while he waiting to drop her off.

I have anxiety over my husband. This month is a hard and stressful one for him at work. So I’m trying to make sure I don’t bother him too much with the kids or with my silly problems. I worry about him getting enough sleep. I worry about him getting enough down time in the evenings. I worry about asking him for help with the girls. No it’s not worry. I have been a worrier all my life, this is stronger. This is something more than worry. I want to make sure when we get to the other end of this change that is happening that he is ok and can come back to us.

I have anxiety about my school. The news I am hearing from my coworkers makes me feel like I need to get back there as soon as possible and help them in the trenches. I’m worried about my students and my friends at work. I find myself torn between being at home with my daughter and being at school. I have done my best to turn off my “teacher brain”. I try and tell myself that it’s like a big holiday, but seeing those school buses drive by everyday brings me back to reality.

Yes I am taking my pills. Maybe just being home and not thinking about school my senses are stronger. Maybe I’m just bored and need something to do so I invent things to worry about. I have already planned our family calendar up until the year 2017 so I have to have something to keep me busy. Worry is a habit. It’s where my mind always goes when it has no place else to go. When I have nothing to keep me busy, I worry.

I’ll go back to work next week. Things will start to be more “normal” around here. We are all still adjusting to the new member of our family, but I think we are doing well. I’m coping as best I can. I just keep telling myself that if I can make it till Christmas break everything will be fine. By then Jillian will be sleeping through the night. The hubster will have gotten into the new routine at work. I will have gotten back to work and will know that everything is ok over there. We’ll all be on vacation and have time to settle down and relax. So that’s my goal right now.

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