Just look away….nothing to see here…go on about your internet surfing

Ok well don’t say I didn’t warn you!!

This post is 100% just for me. I’m hoping getting this out of my head will make the last 3 days of work go a little easier on me.

My long term sub canceled on me on Monday!!!!!! I have 4 freaking days to find someone willing to take over my class for the next 6 weeks!! My school tells me not to worry about it, umm hello have them even met me?? Everyone gives me lame excuses like “it happens for a reason” and “it will all work out”. Ok under NORMAL circumstances I would agree….but I’m pregnant, I’m not rational!! I have no one to leave my students with. No one to teach the fun stuff about energy transfers. No one to explain how to enter grades. I am supposed to walk out of my classroom on friday afternoon WITH NO PLAN OF ACTION FOR MY 65 KIDS!!! I promised the parents at open house that their kids would be taken care of. I have been promising them that it would be fine and wonderful and I would take care of them when I get back.

Right now I’m trying to figure out a way to only be gone for a week for maternity leave. I mean I can do it, I was only out for 2 weeks when I had Danielle. I know that this is different and my school would take my keys from me if they thought I was even thinking about that, but what am I supposed to do? I have to bring these kids who have never even had a real science class before all the way from the beginning to successful scientists.

When I went to my doctor my blood pressure had spiked (I got the news right before I left to go see her), I told her it might be high and explained why. When she took my blood pressure she wanted to put me on bed rest. I told her it was only 4 days and that I would be ok. I told her that I had a lot of people working on helping me fix this problem. So she decided not to do it. She did however decide that I needed to take another protein test and get the results to her on Monday. She said she might just send me to the hospital from my doctor’s appointment on Monday to have this baby.

Don’t worry? How in the world am I supposed to not worry about this??? I can’t just walk away and say “it’s their problem now”.

Also I feel bad for my family. Danielle desperately wants to do some baking. She asks me all the time to make something out of her “cooking book”. I just haven’t felt up to it. Poor Veronica has had to pick up the slack for the things I can’t do around the house. I think we have made bed time once this school year, my girls are so tired in the mornings, and it’s all my fault.

I won’t even begin to talk about what Hubster has gone through. He can’t hold me at night for fear of me crying in pain. We won’t even talk about what he has to go through when I throw up.

I know that in the end there will be another wonderful part of my family, but I can’t help but think about what a bother I’m being to everyone. Part of me is mad at myself for getting pregnant during the school year…I mean I’m a teacher, I plan EVERYTHING, I could have planned to have this baby in May or some other better time for everyone.

I know that Hubster has said we aren’t 100% sure this is the last kid. I know that I have said I can’t be a family with odd numbers…but I can’t handle putting everyone around me in this kind of position ever again.

I have been pregnant all of 2011 and I’m so over it. I want it to be over and then I start to feel bad for wanting it to be over because I know at this point it’s safer for the baby to stay where she is.

That’s another thing…This baby, the baby, why can’t we give it a name? Do we not love it enough to name it? With Danielle and Veronica we knew their names. Granted we didn’t share Veronica’s until she was born but she had a name. Hubster and I feel very strongly about the power of names and we work really hard to give our children good, solid, strong names…so why can’t we name this baby.

Part of me feels our lack of giving her a name is our silent way of saying we don’t want her. Remember I already said I’m not rational right now. I know that’s not true, but I can’t help but think there is some reason why we can’t or won’t name the baby. I HATE calling her “the baby”, even though I truly feel that people name themselves and I want her to have the right name for her.

Yes I know that towards this stage in the pregnancy every woman starts to feel like they have been pregnant forever. Everyone, even those not feeling the jabs and stabs from the inside are ready for the baby to get here. This not having a sub to take over my class has me stressed out to the max. I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen to my students. To think I was just worried about missing meetings and important decisions.

Well now that I have cried my eyes out, freaked out the Hubster for a second time tonight, and written a whiny blog with almost 1,000 words about how awful my life is I think I’m going to log out and go to bed. I’m going to go ahead and post this blog, because I know that hubster would tell me I’m not being honest if I didn’t. I truly apologize for the whiny pity party you had to witness. I just needed to make sure I was able to sleep tonight and be good for my kids with science lab and only 3 more days left.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week!

One thought on “Just look away….nothing to see here…go on about your internet surfing

  1. I think part of the “problem” you are having, and part of your bad memory about the naming of our child comes from a lack of a nickname for this one. We had Ladybug, and we had Cricket… but no nickname we tried to give this one seemed to stick. This got us more attached to real names than normal, making NOT giving them the names harder than normal.

    This is of course my 2 cents worth, and not even necessarily true…

    Oh, and as you well know… there isn’t a single person doing anything that they don’t feel is worth it for you, or for the baby. We all sacrifice for our families. I sacrifice things, this is true. I also know well you sacrifice more than any. Your body is not your own. Your mind is not even your own. You are trapped in a shell that you have little to no control over. I don’t think there is anything more frightening to me than that prospect… especially not a few extra chores, late nights, and the other randomness. Keep your chin up and your family in your heart. We love you, and we haven’t stopped yet. We are still pressing on and preparing for our new family of 5!

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